The problem was the jeans.
I didn’t realize I had gained weight until I put on my jeans.
Back in the day when I would ride a dinosaur to school, jeans were just made with denim and had very little give to them. This is why we had to lay down on the bed years ago and use a wire hanger to zip our Calvin Klein jeans up. But jeans today have so much stretch thrown in with the denim that they can expand a good two to three pants sizes before you realize that your former skinny jeans have given you such a big muffin top that you could be a product model for a box of Hostess cupcakes.
While this is a good look for a muffin or cupcake, it is not a particularly good look for a person.
However, denial, as we all know, is not a river in Egypt, but rather a string of lies we tell ourselves to feel better about gaining weight. These include the ever-popular, “I’m not fat, I’m bloated,” “I have big bones,” “My jeans shrunk in the wash,” “I have a slow metabolism,” and my personal favorite, “I still haven’t lost the baby weight,” which is a hard sell when your kids are 21 and 23.
Still denial can only get you so far.
Right after the new year, my jeans definitely seemed tighter than they had been before the holidays, and when I say, before the holidays, I mean, of course, Halloween. I had been on a legging spree for a while and finally decided to get back to my jeans. But even with all the extra lycra, I was having trouble getting them to button. I probably could have worked with this issue for a while longer, but then I had a doctor appointment and this is when the fat hit the fan.
Reluctantly I stepped on the scale. The doctor looked at the number and scowled.
“I have slow metabolism,” I said.
“You do not have slow metabolism,” he replied.
“I have big bones,” I said.
“You do not have big bones,” he replied.
“I’m bloated,” I said.
“You’re not bloated,” he replied.
“Baby weight?” I suggested.
He shook his head. He said I didn’t get this way from having a baby. I got this way from eating too much.
I know. I was shocked too.
He gave me two choices. Either duct tape my mouth shut, or go on a diet.
First I tried the duct tape.
Did you know you can actually get quite a bit of chocolate in around the edges of the duct tape?
Then I decided to give in and try eating less. Not less salads, and vegetables and fruit, of course. Less pizza and French fries and those red velvet muffins they sell at the nearby bagel store with the cream cheese frosting on the inside that fills your mouth with yummy goodness on the first bite like a heavenly surprise from the red velvet gods.
See, now there I’ve gone and gotten myself hungry again.
Eventually, I decided that the only way this was going to work was to get a diet partner. So, now the dog and I are both on a New Year’s diet. I’m boycotting red velvet muffins and he’s going milkbone free.
So far, it seems to be working for both of us ...
Although he has yet to try on his skinny jeans.
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